Mom, my best friend

I was really relieved to read a recent article in the magazine “Vanitha” (April 15-30, 2009). There have been so many instances I felt it was just an advertiser of the latest and the greatest saris and gold jewelry. It was disappointing that a magazine so popular, was not quite doing its part.

Finally, it looks like Malayalees are ready to look at a different style of parenting .It is not the” Hitler regime pattern" anymore,where the mom made dad look like the bad cop!!! Things have changed and it must be because of all the problems our young generation has been getting into, that have raised a red flag. It must be tough for those who believe “it is my way or the high way “, but they are cornered with no other option, but to try something new.

Parenting goes beyond providing the basic necessities of life as I have emphasized in my previous posts. Do we fear that we will lose our culture and its essence if we adapt a little?

The previous generation had it rough for sure; they went through a financial crunch, so when they became parents they were busy making money so we would have a better life. That left kids with unfulfilled emotional needs.

I believe if kids are given proper guidance, acceptance and attention there is a lesser chance that they will look for it elsewhere. If parents were less critical and more supportive it would be easier for the kids to trust them with their problems.

The first step would be to treat your son and daughter equal. And teach your sons to respect and treat women right. Parenting is an art you master each day, it is something that has to be done with compassion and not comparison!!!! The education a kid gets in school only leads to a job but what they learn at home is how they live their life.

Teenage is a very tricky time in one’s life, it is just normal to want to do crazy things; the best thing is to let them in on the consequences. Every daughter should know her mother’s story; her accomplishments, failures, dreams, and regrets.
It is inevitable not to have a crush or feel attracted to someone with all those hormones going haywire. All you need is to tell your kid that it is perfectly normal and how to focus on life. Help them set goals, research and discuss their ambitions. It may not always work out the way planned, get them ready for disappointments too.

Girls should be told over and over again that they do not need to starve themselves and dress like the celebrities on television, but be themselves. They are unique and full of potential whatever the world may say. Our girls should be taught to be bold and confident, to say NO when it is needed and to deal with the hypocritical society.

Mazha Konduvanna Orma

It’s a cloudy day; we woke up late, the perks of being unemployed period!!! Jacob drank his “Horlicks paal”(milk) and I sat down with a cup of tea. He began playing his computer game and I was going through the mail. I saw through the window, it was getting dark and soon it started raining. Jacob went to the window to watch the rain and ran back screaming when he heard the thunder. This is the guy who tells me, don’t be scared mommy, Jacob is here!!I always found the rain to be very soothing; it reminds me of some good old days.


The big mango tree at my grand parents house, would be full of fruit and the only way we could get it was, if it would rain. As kids we would wait on the verandah to run out into the rain and gather them. A few years later I used to sit on the verandah with a cup of “kattan kaapi"(black coffee) and watch the rain. It would rain as if there was no tomorrow, with leaves flying everywhere in the wind, the loud thunder and the scary lightening. But once the rain was over, the sky would clear up and it would be so bright as if some door opened in heaven. I find it similar to how we get so overwhelmed with some things and finally get through it. I still drink “kattan kaapi”, not that I like it so much, just to feel like those days.

There were so many silly fights with Appachen for not letting me watch, “Chitrahaar" (hindi film songs) on Doordarshan and having to climb up the terrace every time it was about to rain to gather the rubber sheets lay out to dry. I would walk around the rubber trees pretending to be a heroine in a song sequence in a Malayalam movie. I remember when the barber cut my hair too short I looked at the mirror and started wailing that I look ugly now. And Appachen had to send me shopping just to calm me down!!! Went to” Ittiyapara" (nearby hot spot!!)and came back with a bag full of bangles, earrings and all sorts of junk!!!!


When I was about 3 or 4yrs old, I went for a prarthana (prayer meeting) and when asked about the snacks, the only reason I went there, I said there was bun, boon, kaapee. They say that I was very talkative, which I don’t get; I used to amuse people with my chit chats!! I remember having to go to "palli"(church) every Sunday coz Ammachi would force us to and having to sit through torture for 2 and a half hours!!!

We grew up calling our Uppapans (pappa’s younger brothers) Valya uppi and Kochu uppi, didn’t quite realize it sounded funny until Jacob added his very own twist to it and made it You-ppi. Now I know how Neenma’s mom(pappa's elder sis) must have felt when we called her Ammachi , coz now Reji makes Richu and Sachu(his kids) call me Ammachi with a vengeance. No wonder Asha's mom came up with her own version, Ammamachi!! Anjuma and Leenma were the coolest Kochamas; fun,unique and special in their own ways.

Christmas was fun, loved all the” Padakom Poothiri”(fire crackers). The carolers who would come by late at night and we would stand there rubbing our eyes looking at the skinny Santa Claus, wondering why him!! Yet another good time was when all our cousins would come over for Onam; we would gather flowers and make a beautiful “Athapookalam”. I remember flying high on the “unjaal”(swing) and the feast on the ”ela”( banana leaf) following that.


Ammachi didn’t have to go anywhere to find out what was happening around her, it was funny how all the news got to her verandah. We teased Appachen that our neighbor, Janaki amma was his lover coz he called her Janakam!! And how can I forget good old Pappy Appachen who would come by every Sunday and we would do everything we could to drive him away but he would leave only after lunch!!!


Rebu and I, always teamed up against Reji, we would hit him and run away screaming when he tried to hit back, he always got yelled at!!! Didn’t feel it was mean coz no matter what he always got himself in trouble.It was so hard to convince Appachen to send us to the nearby “Chethomkara thoodu" (nearest swimming pool!!)with Suma ammama and Subi ammama. Saji chan always got a kick out of wrestling Rebu and Reji; there were times he got hurt bad, I wondered when he would stop. Since Rebu was the baby, he would take an afternoon nap on Appachen’s tummy. How can I forget” Podiyan and Kushan”, I don’t know if they were our play mates or Appachen’s assistants but they were always around.

We would secretly want Appachen to pray coz it was short and pretty much the same every time. If Ammachi were to start, I always fell asleep and there have been instances of being caught if not woken up by the loud “Swargatanaya Pithavey”(Lord’s prayer).For some unknown reason Appachen had to wake us all up early in the morning , he would sit and sing aloud, I might have forgotten a lot of songs but still remember” Athiraviley thiru sannidhiyil anayunoru samaye”(Christian hymn). I hated having to make the chicken get into their box house at night, but I loved to grab the little ones from under the kotta (basket).


Those two little boys who have been a part of my life, my brothers, they are all grown up. We are all busy with our individual lives, work, kids…..At times it is scary that we might lose that special love we siblings shared due to all the changes. But I am glad I have these memories that bring back all the love I have for them.And I wish Appachen and Ammachi knew how much we love them.

Catching up with time

Yesterday’s dream may not feel the same today, for nothing holds your fancy forever. Just like a doll you wanted as a child, doesn’t give you the same joy today even if you got one, you only wish you had one as a little girl, ambitions grow with you. Time waits for none, we all know, but we often hold on to the past. We need to evaluate if a dream is worth pursuing or should we move on. Every new day brings you a new role, it is like the horoscope of the day, if you are still counting the loss of the past, you will never catch up to it..

Everything happens for a reason, a reason unknown. Wonder if this was all scripted and you and I are mere actors assigned to play the part.. Or are we creating our future with every step we take??? At times it feels good to be in control of your life, but when filled with uncertainty you wish you had a sign telling you to turn left or right.

Getting out of the comfort zone is a struggle, weighing out all the pros and cons. The fear of failure and not knowing our strengths, being reared in a culture that teaches you of humility and modesty, how much more will we tread on paths already traveled, by the fear of getting lost? We don’t even dare take a shot at opportunities in life for the fear of being ridiculed, if we fail.

Taught to think about the consequences of our actions, we are limited to stay within those invisible boundaries. Instilled with fear and guilt as if everything is untouchable, we have been trained to walk on straight lines. It is difficult to cut loose and take those reins into your own hands coz it is easy to blame it on someone else if things go wrong. Ultimately, what makes your name worth remembering once you are gone??

The man of my dreams

Women have been accused of trying to change their men, coz guys don’t quite fit the picture we have in our minds:) I really don’t know what the success rate is on this project!!! Days go by so fast and yet in my mind, it is so clear, the day we met!! We were strangers; I was nervous and didn’t know what to do.... But he looked at me, as if we had known each other for ages. It is true that the wait was a very long one, thinking of how my life would be and making plans....

As we began life together, he showed me that you get up and walk every time you fall. Not to get caught up in the rat race and take it one day at a time. Life did not have to be perfect, there was always room for learning and how a smile could change everything!!! I would be in the kitchen and would hear him call, even though I pretended to be annoyed, I enjoyed being wanted so much :) But at times, picking up after him I wondered, how will this guy survive without me??!!

Once in a while, he would casually mention that he likes my dress or my shoes; I smile and try to figure out what he is up to now!! On a hot day or I might be busy doing something around the house, he will come pull my hair down and say "you know this is how I like it !!" He knows he can get away with anything and all it takes is “I LOVE YOU”, sometimes he would be extra generous and throw in a few hugs and kisses.. If we fight and I walk away, he would run after me trying to make me smile!! At night I thank God for yet another beautiful day, filled with love and fall asleep, wanting to wake up to love him again :)

I cherish every moment, whatever it may be, doing chores, singing out loud, dancing, being silly or snuggling up watching our favorite tv shows!! It will be a ride worthwhile, filled with priceless memories, with my son, Jacob... the man of my dreams!!

Why don't we see the truth??

Why do we prefer to ignore or walk away? I wrote this a week ago but something was holding me back from posting it. As much as I want to sound all positive and look at the bright side, I can’t get these questions out of my head. When a child is molested, it is not the kid’s fault but the consequence of being in a hypocritical society, in which people can get away with such acts. I would call the parents irresponsible, not because the kid was put in that situation (we don’t live in a bubble!!) but for not teaching him/her how to handle it. And the first instinct is to cover it up, why is it so? This could happen to anyone, it is not their fault, like we try to put it. But still why is the victim being blamed??

The predators think their actions are justified as long as they can come up with an explanation. When a girl is raped, the assaulter claims that it was her outfit that made him do it or it was her being alone at night. Can anyone ever think for a minute that this makes sense? The other day I saw an interview, a nun who spoke up about her experiences and why she decided to leave the convent. It is everywhere, children are just easy targets as they are made to believe that their family will be killed or hurt if they told anyone.

The day a girl blooms into a woman (when she gets her period) is supposed to be a joyous one. Not the one where she gets a list of things she cannot do anymore. Why are things being misinterpreted, like a saying in Malayalam “Ela vannu mullil veenalum, mullu vannu elayil veenalum ,elakku anu kedu” why is the woman referred to as the leaf? Is there any teaching in Malayalam that tells a woman the right way to deal with it,why is she being cautioned? And if she is the” ela”, why is she not treated with utmost sensitivity? We expect that women can relate to such situations better, being one, but there are some who prove otherwise. When your friend came to you not knowing what to do, did you stand by her? Which one are you, the lucky ones who escaped all this or the ones just trying to block out the bad memories by pretending it never happened or the ones who saw it happen but did nothing??

We tend to avoid such topics coz they are not so pleasant, not talking about it doesn’t mean it is not happening around you. If you gave it a little thought you would know how to help someone. Misconceptions and ignorance are factors that play a key role, don’t live in a well and take a look at the ocean around you.

What we want v/s what we need.

Our wants are often influenced by what we see and hear. When we want something, we are just trying to fit in. We have to look deeper to find out what we really need. Aren’t we loosing ourselves trying to be like others? Do we realize that all of us are not cut out to run the same race?

Money can buy a lot of things, but love. I remember a man, whose wife had cancer once told me that the other evening he laid behind his sick wife on the couch, holding her .Thinking when she is gone no amount of money can give him the same comfort. Health we take for granted. Parents who confuse providing the basic necessities (a roof over their head, education, food, expensive toys and clothes) as caring for their kids, its time you understood the word "care".Know that you get in return what you gave.People try to gain respect by living in huge houses, driving expensive cars and wearing designer clothes .Is this life about being accepted and revered by the people around you?

I want to listen to the morning prayers float into my bedroom from the nearby temple, the chanting and the sound of the bells to wake me up. And as I open the window I want to feel the cool air gush in stroking my hair. I want to see the mist slowly clearing the mountains. This is my picture of peace.

Was it the glamor of the costume or the attention of the crowd that thrilled me as a dancer? Or the rush of adrenaline while performing on stage and the feeling of liberation!!Even before I realized it ,I lost it.Now filled with only regret ,of letting go of my dream .

No two lives are the same, so there is no protocol that we can follow to achieve our goals or avoid making mistakes. There are no better actors than the ones we meet in real life. We try to portray happiness whatever the real story might be. People who struggle to make a living staying abroad, sacrificing all pleasures of life, saving every penny, go back home and redeem themselves by living large for 1 or 2 months, thus earning the jealousy of the neighbor. There is no universal scale to rate success, set your own standards.

At the end, it is not your job, wealth or family heritage that defines you. It might give you praise and a front row seat. But have you found yourself??Do you know your limitations; have you accepted your weakness? Sorrow is a much stronger emotion than joy!! Our sorrows bring out the best in us.

Have compassion towards others who are struggling, it is easy to sit on a mighty horse and judge them. But do not be so full of yourself and think you did it all.Count your blessings,consider others less fortunate. Have wisdom to see clearly, not to be overridden by emotions,be practical.

Mitr

We don’t get to choose the role we want to play in life, it is more like being put on stage with the spot light on you and you try to do your best!!One thing we get to choose is our friends!! I am so lucky to have met these women in my life who amaze me so often. We are different but the fact that we accept our differences might be the key to this harmony!! This is a bond that grew over the years of not even being in touch, most of the time!! But yet so strong. There have been times when we don’t agree with each other, but we know that we all see life differently.

Was it easier to make friends when we were younger or is it that we don’t try to make friends anymore? Even though we are all so far away from each other , every time you pick up the phone it takes you back to those days. And it is funny that they have not changed, they still are those silly girls with whom you hung out years ago!! Recently I heard a priest say at an engagement that , marriage is the union of two forgiving individuals, I feel it is the core of any relationship. You are not real friends ,until you have fought ,argued or hated the other persons guts and then made up..Once you were a little girl, now you may be a wife and a mother, in this course of events , a lot changes in your life but you hang on to your friends. My friends have shared my joys and sorrows alike, and have kicked me in my butt when I needed it !!


Can’t help but remember those good old days we spent worrying about exams, jumping over the college gate with “Chaddi Peter" chasing us , hurrying to the theater to watch movies, feasting on Chinese food and ice-creams when it would be pouring outside,sometimes our clothes drenched in the rain .

Happy were those days when 8 to 9 of us shared the same room. Those crowded bus rides to college and of course long lines for the unforgettable hostel food.We found happiness in small things and had big dreams. Keep doing the same....