28 September 2015

Falling In Love Is Bittersweet, If Love Is Strong Then Why Do I Feel Weak?

When you know who you are, its easier to know what you are about and ultimately, what you really need. As an adult you realize that the world is an ambiguous place and love doesn't conquer all. We hope for the best, at the same time prepare for the worst.We rarely get to see the catastrophe coming, no matter how well we try to prepare for it. We try so hard to protect ourselves, but it doesn't make a damn bit of difference. Cause when the bad things come, they come out of nowhere. But sometimes that is how the good things come too!! 

We're all gonna die, we don't get much say over how or when,but we do get to decide on how we are gonna live. So decide , is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? We just want to survive the storm. We pray,"Please ,God,just get me to the other side.We never imagine what it'll be like when we get there.What if when the storm passes nothing's left.

Failure is inevitable, unavoidable. But failure should never get the last word.You have to not take "NO" for an answer. And take what's coming to you. Never give in...Never give up.... Stand up and take it.

Looking back its easy to see when a mistake is been made. To regret a choice that seemed like a decent idea at the time. But at times, if we used our best judgement and listened to our hearts, we're more likely see that we chose wisely. And avoided the most deepest most painful regret of them all. The regret that comes from letting amazing pass you by.

Why does it feel so good to get rid of things, to unload, to let go? Maybe when we actually see how little we need to actually survive, it makes us realize how powerful we actually are. To strip down to only what we need. To hang on only to what we can't do without. What we need, not just to survive but to thrive.

05 January 2013

Movies & Life

A Malayalam movie with a Christian backdrop is rare and when the story is about a woman, even better! “Molly Aunty Rocks”, the title is self-explanatory. She comes to live in Kerala for two years (to take care of some financial matters) after living in the US; not only doesn't she fit into the society but sticks out like a sore thumb in her husband’s family! A daughter -in- law can never be a daughter; the only thing you get from them is the family name! There might be exceptions, but I have yet to see one. Molly aunty is fearless, independent and she speaks her mind. These are not traits acceptable in a Malayalee woman. We prefer soft spoken (=doesn’t voice her opinions, agrees to everything the husband or his family says), family oriented (=has no life of her own, dedicates her life to cooking, cleaning, working as well as serving the in-laws) and classy (= someone who puts up with all sorts of nonsense, doesn't let the world know what is going on in the house, believing her tears, prayers and sacrifices will get her a front row seat in heaven). A woman entering into marriage loses herself, the self she has known for the past 20 + years. She has to cut ties with her parents and siblings, and become the property of the husband and his family. Wouldn't it be a good idea, if every woman goes through a memory erasing procedure and gets reprogrammed prior to marriage??!!

 I am still trying to understand the need for marriage in a woman’s life, first time around it is the next thing to do once you completed your education. The reason for giving it another shot (re-marrying) is to have someone by your side as you get old. Is this person going to wake me up and hand me a cup of hot tea on some mornings? Is he going to remind me to take my meds? Or am I signing up to take care of him? I have seen enough drama in my own life as well as others. I am not referring to the show that is put up spending lakhs of rupees for food, decorations and entertainment for the guest arriving at the ceremony, but the drama that occurs every day, living under the same roof and yet having to text each other about taking the kids to the doctor or to an after school activity, cause you can’t even stand listening to each other’s voices. Where spouses would do anything to limit interaction and live parallel lives. We communicate with friends and live in the virtual world of social networking. Smart phones have become part of our body! I see big houses but no homes, huge dining rooms but no one to sit down at the dining table, expensive cars but no one to go on a late night drive and enjoy the moon lit night. Where is the companionship which is the vital part of this bond?

 Molly aunty has that element in her relationship with her husband; she has a husband who understands her and stands by her even though she is impulsive. However, he is labeled a “Penkonthan”. The story goes something like this, she is asked to pay 30,000 rupees as income tax overdue. She sets off to verify the claim and meets with an official who asks for a bribe to help settle the matter. His justification, she only has to pay half the original amount. As a result of filing a case against him for demanding a bribe, they send her an even bigger income tax bill. Hoping for a resolution, she meets with the Assistant Commissioner who is a young man, who absolutely shows no willingness to help her, but is determined to insult her for having the audacity to question the system.  An NRI’s worst night mare!!  They know that the woman is getting ready to leave the country in a few days to join her family back in the US and they thought she would just pay the amount if threatened to withhold her passport. I know I would have caved in, but not Molly aunty!! I am one of the many Indians, responsible for such social injustices thriving due to our lack of time and accepting it as the way of getting things done. We have bigger things to do and reforming our country is nowhere in our list of priorities. I have given up on my country, which is why I left in search of a better life!!

Molly aunty and the Assistant Commissioner are members of the same church & he takes a seat behind her at the Sunday mass. They are both equally shocked to see each other when Molly aunty turns around to pass the offertory collection basket! And later like a stubborn little kid she turns right back without giving him the kiss of peace! I couldn't help but notice that she had a lot of childlike aspects to her character!

I have to tell you about something that happened in church during the New Years’ service. It was late, around 11:30 pm.  I was standing (struggling to stay awake) right behind one of the many uncles in a suit (the official church wear of middle aged men!!),  he got the got the kiss of peace from the person in front of him and stood there holding both his hands close to his chest, he made it quite clear, that he had no intentions of passing it to me! He then eye-signaled his wife, who stood to his right and I accepted the kiss of peace from her. I was perplexed by the whole incident and still can't figure out what was going on!!

Back to Molly aunty, the whole thing blows out of proportion and even friends start blaming her for being so adamant, but her husband comes to the scene and takes her side. Now, that would be something seen only in movies, just like many other beautiful images that movies portray about families. I don’t want to tell you the whole story, let this be a preview and make you want to watch the movie! 

28 July 2011

Looking at life..

This week started out not so great :( I was really sad on Sunday... Monday, even worse that I started looking for a reason. Asked a couple of guys @ work, if they felt the same or if it was a woman thing !! (I dread going back to work after the weekend) Felt good to hear, they feel the same (for once!!)

Looked at the sky, it was dark and cloudy..No wonder, why else would I be feeling this way!! On my way home it rained, it was pouring!! I waited for the rain to stop but it just kept on raining!! Sat there and made an elaborate plan, got ready to execute it... get out and run!!! I stepped out into the rain, it was cold. I began to run but then stopped..I stood there thinking.. Why am I running? What if I get wet?

Tuesday, I got angry at my mom. Yeah, I know, I am mean....She was basically the bad cop, I can relate to her better now, that I am a mother. Adults tend to focus on things they didn’t have as children, in my parent’s case, it was financial security. They came from large families and had taken up the responsibility of making life better for their parents as well as siblings. In turn, lost out on being part of our childhood. So, I feel they don’t know me at all!!! We have these discussions over the phone, they have their reasons and I have mine…My mom gets targeted mostly because I am still scared of my dad!! He also gets angry pretty fast. Makes me wonder, if he does that deliberately to ward off any sort of confrontation. In case you are worried, I did call my mom back to patch things up :)

Wednesday, walked into the nearby Starbucks, glancing at my reflection to make sure everything was in place ;) A man just walked out with coffee in one hand and a brown bag in the other. He turned around, saw me and went back to get the door. I thanked him and walked into the store. Waiting in line, I looked to see if he was gone. By the way, he had a beautiful smile...... He was walking to his car.......Now, coming back to whatz going on in my head...... Aww, that was soooo nice of him..He didn’t have to do that…A gentleman indeed.....How many guys would do that, really? His girlfriend/wife is quite lucky!!!! Then my cynicism kicked in. Who knows if he is a good guy??!!! ! Life has proven, time and time again..Things are not the way they look.

Thursday, after lunch, Matt (my colleague) offered me a piece of gum; I took it, once I was done chewing, I told him, I was bored with this one and he needs to bring in something different!!! To tell you a lil bit about Matt, he is a body builder. He looks all tough & macho but is really a very sweet person!! Later, he comes over, tells a joke & I give him a blank look. He walks away shaking his head & I think he was mumbling too!! If he had turned around he would see me smile or should I call it my evil grin :))

It’s just another week but I realize how special, as I sat down to write about it!!

16 July 2010


We meet people not knowing what they bring into our lives. But definitely each one of them adds something to our being. Its quite fascinating how different they are & yet we can't live with or without them. The family is always taken for granted. Maybe that is all you can do about them, you just can't take them seriously!! We tend to care a bit too much about the society or is it the other way around?

While most relationships loose luster with time, some of them reveal an essence as time passes .Even though there are definitions of what is right & wrong, sometimes we just cant get our heads around it. I could agree that my destiny is not so well scripted, like the people who have gone down in history, yet I want it to make sense.

The fear of hurt makes us put up a wall and yet it manages to make its way through all our barriers. How do we become immune to the pain of someone else's doing? A girl can never forget the first man in her life, maybe because of the heart ache it caused her. I have often tried to recollect how bad labor pain was, but my brain has wiped out the whole 9 months and every tiny bit of distress involved with it.

Love is such a beautiful emotion that every action wrapped in it stays vivid in our minds .I wonder if these are the people who are hurting the most. And if they are trying to hide those tears with a smile.

11 April 2010


As a kid, life was pretty simple. It was almost like walking on a straight line. There were no qualms apart from the intermittent exams . Moreover, it was like an enchanting story with a well written screenplay, revealed slowly. I never sat down and visualized what my future holds , I was busy living the moment . Little did it occur, this is what I'm heading for!!! And all I do now is think!!

Life as an adult is a thirst. A thirst for all things we cannot achieve and in the process disregarding everything that surrounds us. Are we all running this race ,wearing the wrong size shoes ? Most of it makes no sense, leaving us with yet another bunch of questions . That establishes the necessity of God. Or we would have gone totally nuts with every punch life throws at us. At the end of this journey, you meet a totally different person awaiting you , life has changed the beliefs, values and opinions that you started with . It is funny how we fit into those shoes so well with time, which makes me believe that we are in fact made of mud. Do our experiences make us wiser or does it make us plain delusional?

Even in a life filled with events, a void follows me closer than my shadow. I often picture myself standing still in the midst of a road amongst the raging traffic. Where are the others going? What are they doing? It makes me wonder, if I sat down and did nothing, will life be any different? Maybe life doesn't need my help, it has a mind of its own, that is already made up!!

All those who walked this path , why didn't they warn me? Or no amount of planning works in this case, and they knew it.

24 November 2009


For his 4th birthday, Jacob wanted to take cup cakes to school. I decided to go with him and take a few pictures . His teacher was extremely nice and asked me to stay with him for the entire day!!! (I was quite surprised since I am used to our teachers back home, who for some reason leave their emotions at home). A bit hesitant, I went and sat next to Jacob in his classroom. I told him I was going to stay with him . His face lit up and he dragged his chair closer to me .

I didn't know what to do but smile at the children who were watching my every move. Soon a little girl came up to me, she asked if I were Jacob’s mom. I looked up and they were all waiting to hear me reply. I said yes, and I was no longer an outsider. We sat on the floor during circle time , everyone wanted to sit next to me!!! One little boy didn’t want to get into this argument , he found the perfect spot, he sat on my lap!!! We sang songs, the teacher told a story, then we had cup cakes and milk. A little girl hugged me; I looked at the teacher not knowing what to do. When the teacher smiled I felt it was alright to hug her back.

I felt really special, it felt like I was in heaven with a bunch of angels . Every touch, hug and smile made me forget the world outside. I decided to write about this day and how I felt without delay, because every time I am sad it lingers in my mind (forever), and I don't cherish these moments of joy .

17 November 2009


Thank you to all my wonderful friends and my cousins for sending in their views on the topic.This post is dedicated to all of you and my two brothers. I was trying to find out if sibilings made one's life better.

I do love my siblings and of course I have great childhood memories. But a few years into marriage,my parents/ siblings were no longer my #1 priority.I felt guilty about it and I remember my mother saying "thatz life ". It is a strange aspect of life and how we automatically fit into its mold.

It led me to wonder why people have kids? The prominent response to that question was that they want someone to be there in their old age. When you have invested so much of your time/money on kids, its just fair to get something in return. When you have many kids , one of them might stick around and of course the idea of an inheritance would lure them in!!! In another 40yrs, I'd like to picture myself on a beach rather than being hauled around on a wheel chair. Right now my focus is on enjoying every minute with my son .

A woman puts her life on hold (at least for a brief period of time) to raise a kid. Not to mention the physical toll it takes on her, those nine months and the postpartum depression (some of us don't even realise that we experienced it). Sleepless nights, stinky diapers, potty training days, cleaning up every time they puke (all that fun stuff!!!), its taken so naturally (as an act of love) by women since thatz how nature (or should I say society) has programmed us. Many mothers quit their jobs, to take care of kids until they are not needed 24/7 . Are we expecting something in return???

All my friends related to this topic from their personal experiences. My friend who is a single child thinks her life would have been better if she had siblings. Others who have siblings, generously shared the stories about how they bonded & kept secrets. Even though there are issues, we tend to over look them. I have heard that being a single child makes one selfish and unsocial (which I disagree, it is just who you are). And if so, there must be an alternative to fix that, than birthing another kid .It reminds me of how oldies thought, to straighten up an addict or someone who is mentally ill, all you gotta do is get them married!!

For a woman, marriage is a transition where you leave behind everything you once thought was yours to accept new. It is not an easy task but it helps when you have friends who are in the same boat. I am sure my brothers have buddies who know them better than me. Unless we open up to the idea of building new relationships and treasuring them, are we passing on something new to the next generation??

Some funny but interesting thoughts, reason to have a daughter is so that she will sit near you and cry when you are dead (think about a typical Mallu funeral!!). And the reason you gotta have a son is, to carry on the family name. ( Reminds me of this dialogue from a Malayalam movie " Pinney, anniyam ninnu pokan neeyentha Simhavaalan kurengho"!!! )

When a child is born, parents have to focus on the newborn. Putting aside dreams and may never find the time to get to it. A big family gathering, is a pleasant sight, everyone looks happy and in love with each other, but with time the jealousy and hypocrisy behind those big smiles are obvious. With friends the relationship is much more simpler. Is it because we get to choose our friends?? When I say friends, I mean people who care enough to correct you when you are wrong and stand with you despite all odds!!

Kids are wonderful, have a bunch of them if your health & wallet permits. Don't forget to live your dreams. Because yours kids don't owe you for what you have done. It was your choice, let them make theirs.

Since life doesn't come with instructions to do it right (one, multiple or no kids), we have to wait for it to unfold. There are no guarantees that you will be pleased with the results..Learn from the eagle who nurtures and then pushes the young ones out of the nest forcing them to learn to fly. It may sound cruel, but it will get them ready for life.