17 November 2009

Relationships

Thank you to all my wonderful friends and my cousins for sending in their views on the topic.This post is dedicated to all of you and my two brothers. I was trying to find out if sibilings made one's life better.

I do love my siblings and of course I have great childhood memories. But a few years into marriage,my parents/ siblings were no longer my #1 priority.I felt guilty about it and I remember my mother saying "thatz life ". It is a strange aspect of life and how we automatically fit into its mold.

It led me to wonder why people have kids? The prominent response to that question was that they want someone to be there in their old age. When you have invested so much of your time/money on kids, its just fair to get something in return. When you have many kids , one of them might stick around and of course the idea of an inheritance would lure them in!!! In another 40yrs, I'd like to picture myself on a beach rather than being hauled around on a wheel chair. Right now my focus is on enjoying every minute with my son .


A woman puts her life on hold (at least for a brief period of time) to raise a kid. Not to mention the physical toll it takes on her, those nine months and the postpartum depression (some of us don't even realise that we experienced it). Sleepless nights, stinky diapers, potty training days, cleaning up every time they puke (all that fun stuff!!!), its taken so naturally (as an act of love) by women since thatz how nature (or should I say society) has programmed us. Many mothers quit their jobs, to take care of kids until they are not needed 24/7 . Are we expecting something in return???

All my friends related to this topic from their personal experiences. My friend who is a single child thinks her life would have been better if she had siblings. Others who have siblings, generously shared the stories about how they bonded & kept secrets. Even though there are issues, we tend to over look them. I have heard that being a single child makes one selfish and unsocial (which I disagree, it is just who you are). And if so, there must be an alternative to fix that, than birthing another kid .It reminds me of how oldies thought, to straighten up an addict or someone who is mentally ill, all you gotta do is get them married!!


For a woman, marriage is a transition where you leave behind everything you once thought was yours to accept new. It is not an easy task but it helps when you have friends who are in the same boat. I am sure my brothers have buddies who know them better than me. Unless we open up to the idea of building new relationships and treasuring them, are we passing on something new to the next generation??

Some funny but interesting thoughts, reason to have a daughter is so that she will sit near you and cry when you are dead (think about a typical Mallu funeral!!). And the reason you gotta have a son is, to carry on the family name. ( Reminds me of this dialogue from a Malayalam movie " Pinney, anniyam ninnu pokan neeyentha Simhavaalan kurengho"!!! )


When a child is born, parents have to focus on the newborn. Putting aside dreams and may never find the time to get to it. A big family gathering, is a pleasant sight, everyone looks happy and in love with each other, but with time the jealousy and hypocrisy behind those big smiles are obvious. With friends the relationship is much more simpler. Is it because we get to choose our friends?? When I say friends, I mean people who care enough to correct you when you are wrong and stand with you despite all odds!!

Kids are wonderful, have a bunch of them if your health & wallet permits. Don't forget to live your dreams. Because yours kids don't owe you for what you have done. It was your choice, let them make theirs.



Since life doesn't come with instructions to do it right (one, multiple or no kids), we have to wait for it to unfold. There are no guarantees that you will be pleased with the results..Learn from the eagle who nurtures and then pushes the young ones out of the nest forcing them to learn to fly. It may sound cruel, but it will get them ready for life.

6 comments:

  1. Well said ...truly well said.Actually this topic is very close to my heart.I especially liked that' simhavalan kurangu 'bit.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This whole concept of "I looked after you. Now in my old age you have to look after me" is the cause of the whole problem.
    The first reason being "expect" You "expect" your kids to look after you, and if that does not materialise, disappointment sets in.
    There are many cases where the parents "want" a boy child so that he will look after them. I can show you many examples where the girls look after their parents much better than a son.
    This is a sorry state of affairs especially in India.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree to the comments posted above. It's a major problem in India, especially because of the difficult situations in a developing country and it will gradually change as our living conditions improve. I should say I am very lucky in that matter that my mother is more than happy to have us around at the same time she never expected us to be around to take care of her. The same is with my in laws they are more than happy to see their kids pursuing their own life. Living abroad for the past three years, I have been amazed by the way people look at life here. I wish I would be able to accept these positive aspects of life and make it a better place for my son.
    Also,I wouldn't always agree to the fact that its only the mother who takes care of the baby, of course we end up doing more than the father. Vijender for that instance is always happy to do everything from changing the nappies to feeding the baby!!! It's just the mind set I believe...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Relationships are hard. Also, I agree like you say we are a screwed up society. If we each don't stand for what we are and pursue our own dreams we are doomed. Be considerate to others but not selfless but every malayalam movie teaches a different story. We are a society whose main hobby is meddling in other peoples lives and screwing up their sanity. Nice post.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have already shared my thoughts about the friendship. Talking about the parent-child relationship, I still don't understand why people worry so much about their family name being carried(eventually who cares!!!) or having only girls is a burden. Being grown up in a girlkids only family I really appreciate my parents for not bending their heads over the peoples' comments on not having sons and also for the support they have given.

    ReplyDelete
  6. rekha, i have 2 boys but i am from the current gen of moms who dont expect them to take care of me! i have to make sure that i have enough health n wealth to take care of myself in my old age whether or not i have my hubby arnd. sure we had kids, but that was our dream to have our own, kids, raise them etc. burdening them with us in our old age is not fair on them! today im a single kid, my mom and dad are on their own and im always there for them, but they never once say its my duty to take care of them, blah, blah! why because they have a daughter? its high time indian society changed!

    ReplyDelete