Living

As a kid, life was pretty simple. It was almost like walking on a straight line. There were no qualms apart from the intermittent exams . Moreover, it was like an enchanting story with a well written screenplay, revealed slowly. I never sat down and visualized what my future holds , I was busy living the moment . Little did it occur, this is what I'm heading for!!! And all I do now is think!!

Life as an adult is a thirst. A thirst for all things we cannot achieve and in the process disregarding everything that surrounds us. Are we all running this race ,wearing the wrong size shoes ? Most of it makes no sense, leaving us with yet another bunch of questions . That establishes the necessity of God. Or we would have gone totally nuts with every punch life throws at us. At the end of this journey, you meet a totally different person awaiting you , life has changed the beliefs, values and opinions that you started with . It is funny how we fit into those shoes so well with time, which makes me believe that we are in fact made of mud. Do our experiences make us wiser or does it make us plain delusional?

Even in a life filled with events, a void follows me closer than my shadow. I often picture myself standing still in the midst of a road amongst the raging traffic. Where are the others going? What are they doing? It makes me wonder, if I sat down and did nothing, will life be any different? Maybe life doesn't need my help, it has a mind of its own, that is already made up!!

All those who walked this path , why didn't they warn me? Or no amount of planning works in this case, and they knew it.

Joy

For his 4th birthday, Jacob wanted to take cup cakes to school. I decided to go with him and take a few pictures . His teacher was extremely nice and asked me to stay with him for the entire day!!! (I was quite surprised since I am used to our teachers back home, who for some reason leave their emotions at home). A bit hesitant, I went and sat next to Jacob in his classroom. I told him I was going to stay with him . His face lit up and he dragged his chair closer to me .

I didn't know what to do but smile at the children who were watching my every move. Soon a little girl came up to me, she asked if I were Jacob’s mom. I looked up and they were all waiting to hear me reply. I said yes, and I was no longer an outsider. We sat on the floor during circle time , everyone wanted to sit next to me!!! One little boy didn’t want to get into this argument , he found the perfect spot, he sat on my lap!!! We sang songs, the teacher told a story, then we had cup cakes and milk. A little girl hugged me; I looked at the teacher not knowing what to do. When the teacher smiled I felt it was alright to hug her back.

I felt really special, it felt like I was in heaven with a bunch of angels . Every touch, hug and smile made me forget the world outside. I decided to write about this day and how I felt without delay, because every time I am sad it lingers in my mind (forever), and I don't cherish these moments of joy .

Relationships

Thank you to all my wonderful friends and my cousins for sending in their views on the topic.This post is dedicated to all of you and my two brothers. I was trying to find out if sibilings made one's life better.

I do love my siblings and of course I have great childhood memories. But a few years into marriage,my parents/ siblings were no longer my #1 priority.I felt guilty about it and I remember my mother saying "thatz life ". It is a strange aspect of life and how we automatically fit into its mold.

It led me to wonder why people have kids? The prominent response to that question was that they want someone to be there in their old age. When you have invested so much of your time/money on kids, its just fair to get something in return. When you have many kids , one of them might stick around and of course the idea of an inheritance would lure them in!!! In another 40yrs, I'd like to picture myself on a beach rather than being hauled around on a wheel chair. Right now my focus is on enjoying every minute with my son .


A woman puts her life on hold (at least for a brief period of time) to raise a kid. Not to mention the physical toll it takes on her, those nine months and the postpartum depression (some of us don't even realise that we experienced it). Sleepless nights, stinky diapers, potty training days, cleaning up every time they puke (all that fun stuff!!!), its taken so naturally (as an act of love) by women since thatz how nature (or should I say society) has programmed us. Many mothers quit their jobs, to take care of kids until they are not needed 24/7 . Are we expecting something in return???

All my friends related to this topic from their personal experiences. My friend who is a single child thinks her life would have been better if she had siblings. Others who have siblings, generously shared the stories about how they bonded & kept secrets. Even though there are issues, we tend to over look them. I have heard that being a single child makes one selfish and unsocial (which I disagree, it is just who you are). And if so, there must be an alternative to fix that, than birthing another kid .It reminds me of how oldies thought, to straighten up an addict or someone who is mentally ill, all you gotta do is get them married!!


For a woman, marriage is a transition where you leave behind everything you once thought was yours to accept new. It is not an easy task but it helps when you have friends who are in the same boat. I am sure my brothers have buddies who know them better than me. Unless we open up to the idea of building new relationships and treasuring them, are we passing on something new to the next generation??

Some funny but interesting thoughts, reason to have a daughter is so that she will sit near you and cry when you are dead (think about a typical Mallu funeral!!). And the reason you gotta have a son is, to carry on the family name. ( Reminds me of this dialogue from a Malayalam movie " Pinney, anniyam ninnu pokan neeyentha Simhavaalan kurengho"!!! )


When a child is born, parents have to focus on the newborn. Putting aside dreams and may never find the time to get to it. A big family gathering, is a pleasant sight, everyone looks happy and in love with each other, but with time the jealousy and hypocrisy behind those big smiles are obvious. With friends the relationship is much more simpler. Is it because we get to choose our friends?? When I say friends, I mean people who care enough to correct you when you are wrong and stand with you despite all odds!!

Kids are wonderful, have a bunch of them if your health & wallet permits. Don't forget to live your dreams. Because yours kids don't owe you for what you have done. It was your choice, let them make theirs.



Since life doesn't come with instructions to do it right (one, multiple or no kids), we have to wait for it to unfold. There are no guarantees that you will be pleased with the results..Learn from the eagle who nurtures and then pushes the young ones out of the nest forcing them to learn to fly. It may sound cruel, but it will get them ready for life.

Dreaming with my eyes open

"To become a happy person have a clean soul,eyes that see romance in the common place,a child's heart & spiritual simplicity."--------Peale

"I wished for a window, so the sun would shine through in the morning. Surely, I would get under the covers to escape the taunting rays. But then, I would get up and walk to my window to see the mist leaving and the clouds slowly move in.The branches moved as the birds danced around & the flowers awaited the morning rain. I ran to open the front door, the cool breeze hurried in stroking my hair. I stood by the steps waiting for the first raindrop. And then it rained. I don’t know why but I walked into it. There I stood with my arms wide open and my eyes shut tight. As I opened my eyes, I saw the rain purify everything it touched, the earth was quenched, so was my soul."

Amen

I happened to see an interview on television with sister Jesme and it was pretty upsetting how Kerala reacted to her autobiography”Amen”. I was particularly interested in it coz I spent quite a few years of my school and college life amidst the nuns. I have always wondered about their life & actions.

I remember taking a peek into the nuns dining room through the half closed door (which we were not allowed to do, I was a curious kid!!!) and saying to myself how unfair it is that we are given bad food and they get such a feast.It used to bother me that they had no compassion even towards the little ones. Of course, there were a few who were different.

Parents who leave their children in boarding schools, do you care if your kid is safe, sick or well fed??Do you know if they are being molested?? I was amazed by the uproar sister Jesme’s book had brought about. Would it have been easier on us if it was a man (priest) who spoke out? Or are we still comfortable believing that as long as we don’t address the matter, it will go away?

I understand that nuns and priests are just humans who have taken a special vow of celibacy, which according to me is very hard to follow. I wonder if God would want them to be celibate. Why can’t they have a normal married life and still serve God. Didn’t God actually make man and woman to live together?? Why is it so difficult to understand that lust, homosexuality, greed, jealousy,sexual assault and all that happens around us will creep into the church as well?

My Ammachi (grandma) had actually dedicated my dad to be a priest (this is really funny, if you happen to know him), a desperate plea to God not being able to see her baby in anguish.Little did she know he was to be a youngster who spent all his energy in college politics and getting into trouble rather than in the class room. My dad says it is all good now since he had in turn dedicated my brother for that cause. And the tradition continues!!!

We have been taught to look up to our religious leaders,we put them up on pedestals from where they fall and take our faith in church along with them. The Bishop at my brother’s wedding yelled at the event photographer in front of the whole gathering just before the ceremony. He could have been in a bad mood, sick or something might have upset him (I do not know the reason).With no regard to the bride, the groom, their special day or the family he spoke very harshly to the poor chap who was just doing his job.

I believe a man/woman should be revered not by the position bestowed but should earn it through actions. It gets tough, coz we all have two faces, one for the world to see and the real one, usually only our families have seen.

Good people do not go to heaven

Stop frowning!! I came out of church so confused this Sunday, coz I am one of those who believe not in religion but the goodness of one's heart. To me Karma plays a role, do good and you will be blessed, if you do bad you suffer the consequences, this motivates me to do good things.We often hear people say,I know I am not perfect but I have not killed anyone. What is God’s standard for good? What is His grading system? Is it living by the 10 commandments or by the Holy Bible? If hating your brother is equivalent to murder and lust to adultery, how many can really make the cut?

Right and wrong does not have a universal scale, as time goes by many wrongs have changed to right. Racism, ethnic cleansing, multiple marriages, wars all have different meanings and views around the world. Just because you are passionate about something it doesn’t have to be right. Life is kind of an exam without a clear cut explanation of even what it is about. How can you expect to pass? Jesus never called the righteous; he went seeking the sinners. He went beyond fairness to offer forgiveness, coz we all fall short of His standard.

The pastor ended it with, no amount of good works can get me into heaven, only His forgiveness can. Then what will happen to others who do not know Him?? As I spend more time thinking about it I felt good about hearing something that is not a “safe topic “which is what I have been used to. It did put a lot of things in perspective, but I believe if there has to be an impact let it be through my life and not through words.

Picnic in June

When I read through other blogs, many stay true to their passion and explore it‘s horizons. In my case I don’t think I have such an intense topic to go on and on about. Maybe I get distracted by anything that comes my way or is it that I just cannot focus on one thing???? Wish I could peek into someone else’s mind, just to see how different it works.

We had a fun picnic after a hundred e-mails send to and fro about the venue, menu and everything under the sun for a perfect day. With our busy lives, conflicting schedules and small kids it has become a bit tough to hang out with friends .It was a beautiful day with blue skies perfect for a walk around the trail, some tasty barbecue under the shade of big trees, watched a game of badminton and beach volley ball (did not play coz I am not very athletic and did not want to embarrass myself).

Jacob and his friends had the most fun, making sand castles,playing in the water ,on the slide and swings .I tried to relax but it would have been easier if I was not constantly looking out for Jacob. I began to wonder if I would have had a better time if I didn’t have to worry about him. That night, when he rolled over in his sleep, (pushed me to the very edge of the bed, I have mastered the art of not falling off) and put his little arms around my neck I knew I would choose these moments of joy over anything else,anytime.

If we were given a chance to be someone else or have someone else’s life, we would surely choose to be us and want our lives just the way it is.