Looking at life..

This week started out not so great :( I was really sad on Sunday... Monday, even worse that I started looking for a reason. Asked a couple of guys @ work, if they felt the same or if it was a woman thing !! (I dread going back to work after the weekend) Felt good to hear, they feel the same (for once!!)

Looked at the sky, it was dark and cloudy..No wonder, why else would I be feeling this way!! On my way home it rained, it was pouring!! I waited for the rain to stop but it just kept on raining!! Sat there and made an elaborate plan, got ready to execute it... get out and run!!! I stepped out into the rain, it was cold. I began to run but then stopped..I stood there thinking.. Why am I running? What if I get wet?

Tuesday, I got angry at my mom. Yeah, I know, I am mean....She was basically the bad cop, I can relate to her better now, that I am a mother. Adults tend to focus on things they didn’t have as children, in my parent’s case, it was financial security. They came from large families and had taken up the responsibility of making life better for their parents as well as siblings. In turn, lost out on being part of our childhood. So, I feel they don’t know me at all!!! We have these discussions over the phone, they have their reasons and I have mine…My mom gets targeted mostly because I am still scared of my dad!! He also gets angry pretty fast. Makes me wonder, if he does that deliberately to ward off any sort of confrontation. In case you are worried, I did call my mom back to patch things up :)

Wednesday, walked into the nearby Starbucks, glancing at my reflection to make sure everything was in place ;) A man just walked out with coffee in one hand and a brown bag in the other. He turned around, saw me and went back to get the door. I thanked him and walked into the store. Waiting in line, I looked to see if he was gone. By the way, he had a beautiful smile...... He was walking to his car.......Now, coming back to whatz going on in my head...... Aww, that was soooo nice of him..He didn’t have to do that…A gentleman indeed.....How many guys would do that, really? His girlfriend/wife is quite lucky!!!! Then my cynicism kicked in. Who knows if he is a good guy??!!! ! Life has proven, time and time again..Things are not the way they look.

Thursday, after lunch, Matt (my colleague) offered me a piece of gum; I took it, once I was done chewing, I told him, I was bored with this one and he needs to bring in something different!!! To tell you a lil bit about Matt, he is a body builder. He looks all tough & macho but is really a very sweet person!! Later, he comes over, tells a joke & I give him a blank look. He walks away shaking his head & I think he was mumbling too!! If he had turned around he would see me smile or should I call it my evil grin :))

It’s just another week but I realize how special, as I sat down to write about it!!

People

We meet people not knowing what they bring into our lives. But definitely each one of them adds something to our being. Its quite fascinating how different they are & yet we can't live with or without them. The family is always taken for granted. Maybe that is all you can do about them, you just can't take them seriously!! We tend to care a bit too much about the society or is it the other way around?

While most relationships loose luster with time, some of them reveal an essence as time passes .Even though there are definitions of what is right & wrong, sometimes we just cant get our heads around it. I could agree that my destiny is not so well scripted, like the people who have gone down in history, yet I want it to make sense.

The fear of hurt makes us put up a wall and yet it manages to make its way through all our barriers. How do we become immune to the pain of someone else's doing? A girl can never forget the first man in her life, maybe because of the heart ache it caused her. I have often tried to recollect how bad labor pain was, but my brain has wiped out the whole 9 months and every tiny bit of distress involved with it.

Love is such a beautiful emotion that every action wrapped in it stays vivid in our minds .I wonder if these are the people who are hurting the most. And if they are trying to hide those tears with a smile.

Living

As a kid, life was pretty simple. It was almost like walking on a straight line. There were no qualms apart from the intermittent exams . Moreover, it was like an enchanting story with a well written screenplay, revealed slowly. I never sat down and visualized what my future holds , I was busy living the moment . Little did it occur, this is what I'm heading for!!! And all I do now is think!!

Life as an adult is a thirst. A thirst for all things we cannot achieve and in the process disregarding everything that surrounds us. Are we all running this race ,wearing the wrong size shoes ? Most of it makes no sense, leaving us with yet another bunch of questions . That establishes the necessity of God. Or we would have gone totally nuts with every punch life throws at us. At the end of this journey, you meet a totally different person awaiting you , life has changed the beliefs, values and opinions that you started with . It is funny how we fit into those shoes so well with time, which makes me believe that we are in fact made of mud. Do our experiences make us wiser or does it make us plain delusional?

Even in a life filled with events, a void follows me closer than my shadow. I often picture myself standing still in the midst of a road amongst the raging traffic. Where are the others going? What are they doing? It makes me wonder, if I sat down and did nothing, will life be any different? Maybe life doesn't need my help, it has a mind of its own, that is already made up!!

All those who walked this path , why didn't they warn me? Or no amount of planning works in this case, and they knew it.

Joy

For his 4th birthday, Jacob wanted to take cup cakes to school. I decided to go with him and take a few pictures . His teacher was extremely nice and asked me to stay with him for the entire day!!! (I was quite surprised since I am used to our teachers back home, who for some reason leave their emotions at home). A bit hesitant, I went and sat next to Jacob in his classroom. I told him I was going to stay with him . His face lit up and he dragged his chair closer to me .

I didn't know what to do but smile at the children who were watching my every move. Soon a little girl came up to me, she asked if I were Jacob’s mom. I looked up and they were all waiting to hear me reply. I said yes, and I was no longer an outsider. We sat on the floor during circle time , everyone wanted to sit next to me!!! One little boy didn’t want to get into this argument , he found the perfect spot, he sat on my lap!!! We sang songs, the teacher told a story, then we had cup cakes and milk. A little girl hugged me; I looked at the teacher not knowing what to do. When the teacher smiled I felt it was alright to hug her back.

I felt really special, it felt like I was in heaven with a bunch of angels . Every touch, hug and smile made me forget the world outside. I decided to write about this day and how I felt without delay, because every time I am sad it lingers in my mind (forever), and I don't cherish these moments of joy .

Relationships

Thank you to all my wonderful friends and my cousins for sending in their views on the topic.This post is dedicated to all of you and my two brothers. I was trying to find out if sibilings made one's life better.

I do love my siblings and of course I have great childhood memories. But a few years into marriage,my parents/ siblings were no longer my #1 priority.I felt guilty about it and I remember my mother saying "thatz life ". It is a strange aspect of life and how we automatically fit into its mold.

It led me to wonder why people have kids? The prominent response to that question was that they want someone to be there in their old age. When you have invested so much of your time/money on kids, its just fair to get something in return. When you have many kids , one of them might stick around and of course the idea of an inheritance would lure them in!!! In another 40yrs, I'd like to picture myself on a beach rather than being hauled around on a wheel chair. Right now my focus is on enjoying every minute with my son .


A woman puts her life on hold (at least for a brief period of time) to raise a kid. Not to mention the physical toll it takes on her, those nine months and the postpartum depression (some of us don't even realise that we experienced it). Sleepless nights, stinky diapers, potty training days, cleaning up every time they puke (all that fun stuff!!!), its taken so naturally (as an act of love) by women since thatz how nature (or should I say society) has programmed us. Many mothers quit their jobs, to take care of kids until they are not needed 24/7 . Are we expecting something in return???

All my friends related to this topic from their personal experiences. My friend who is a single child thinks her life would have been better if she had siblings. Others who have siblings, generously shared the stories about how they bonded & kept secrets. Even though there are issues, we tend to over look them. I have heard that being a single child makes one selfish and unsocial (which I disagree, it is just who you are). And if so, there must be an alternative to fix that, than birthing another kid .It reminds me of how oldies thought, to straighten up an addict or someone who is mentally ill, all you gotta do is get them married!!


For a woman, marriage is a transition where you leave behind everything you once thought was yours to accept new. It is not an easy task but it helps when you have friends who are in the same boat. I am sure my brothers have buddies who know them better than me. Unless we open up to the idea of building new relationships and treasuring them, are we passing on something new to the next generation??

Some funny but interesting thoughts, reason to have a daughter is so that she will sit near you and cry when you are dead (think about a typical Mallu funeral!!). And the reason you gotta have a son is, to carry on the family name. ( Reminds me of this dialogue from a Malayalam movie " Pinney, anniyam ninnu pokan neeyentha Simhavaalan kurengho"!!! )


When a child is born, parents have to focus on the newborn. Putting aside dreams and may never find the time to get to it. A big family gathering, is a pleasant sight, everyone looks happy and in love with each other, but with time the jealousy and hypocrisy behind those big smiles are obvious. With friends the relationship is much more simpler. Is it because we get to choose our friends?? When I say friends, I mean people who care enough to correct you when you are wrong and stand with you despite all odds!!

Kids are wonderful, have a bunch of them if your health & wallet permits. Don't forget to live your dreams. Because yours kids don't owe you for what you have done. It was your choice, let them make theirs.



Since life doesn't come with instructions to do it right (one, multiple or no kids), we have to wait for it to unfold. There are no guarantees that you will be pleased with the results..Learn from the eagle who nurtures and then pushes the young ones out of the nest forcing them to learn to fly. It may sound cruel, but it will get them ready for life.

Dreaming with my eyes open

"To become a happy person have a clean soul,eyes that see romance in the common place,a child's heart & spiritual simplicity."--------Peale

"I wished for a window, so the sun would shine through in the morning. Surely, I would get under the covers to escape the taunting rays. But then, I would get up and walk to my window to see the mist leaving and the clouds slowly move in.The branches moved as the birds danced around & the flowers awaited the morning rain. I ran to open the front door, the cool breeze hurried in stroking my hair. I stood by the steps waiting for the first raindrop. And then it rained. I don’t know why but I walked into it. There I stood with my arms wide open and my eyes shut tight. As I opened my eyes, I saw the rain purify everything it touched, the earth was quenched, so was my soul."

Amen

I happened to see an interview on television with sister Jesme and it was pretty upsetting how Kerala reacted to her autobiography”Amen”. I was particularly interested in it coz I spent quite a few years of my school and college life amidst the nuns. I have always wondered about their life & actions.

I remember taking a peek into the nuns dining room through the half closed door (which we were not allowed to do, I was a curious kid!!!) and saying to myself how unfair it is that we are given bad food and they get such a feast.It used to bother me that they had no compassion even towards the little ones. Of course, there were a few who were different.

Parents who leave their children in boarding schools, do you care if your kid is safe, sick or well fed??Do you know if they are being molested?? I was amazed by the uproar sister Jesme’s book had brought about. Would it have been easier on us if it was a man (priest) who spoke out? Or are we still comfortable believing that as long as we don’t address the matter, it will go away?

I understand that nuns and priests are just humans who have taken a special vow of celibacy, which according to me is very hard to follow. I wonder if God would want them to be celibate. Why can’t they have a normal married life and still serve God. Didn’t God actually make man and woman to live together?? Why is it so difficult to understand that lust, homosexuality, greed, jealousy,sexual assault and all that happens around us will creep into the church as well?

My Ammachi (grandma) had actually dedicated my dad to be a priest (this is really funny, if you happen to know him), a desperate plea to God not being able to see her baby in anguish.Little did she know he was to be a youngster who spent all his energy in college politics and getting into trouble rather than in the class room. My dad says it is all good now since he had in turn dedicated my brother for that cause. And the tradition continues!!!

We have been taught to look up to our religious leaders,we put them up on pedestals from where they fall and take our faith in church along with them. The Bishop at my brother’s wedding yelled at the event photographer in front of the whole gathering just before the ceremony. He could have been in a bad mood, sick or something might have upset him (I do not know the reason).With no regard to the bride, the groom, their special day or the family he spoke very harshly to the poor chap who was just doing his job.

I believe a man/woman should be revered not by the position bestowed but should earn it through actions. It gets tough, coz we all have two faces, one for the world to see and the real one, usually only our families have seen.