Joy

For his 4th birthday, Jacob wanted to take cup cakes to school. I decided to go with him and take a few pictures . His teacher was extremely nice and asked me to stay with him for the entire day!!! (I was quite surprised since I am used to our teachers back home, who for some reason leave their emotions at home). A bit hesitant, I went and sat next to Jacob in his classroom. I told him I was going to stay with him . His face lit up and he dragged his chair closer to me .

I didn't know what to do but smile at the children who were watching my every move. Soon a little girl came up to me, she asked if I were Jacob’s mom. I looked up and they were all waiting to hear me reply. I said yes, and I was no longer an outsider. We sat on the floor during circle time , everyone wanted to sit next to me!!! One little boy didn’t want to get into this argument , he found the perfect spot, he sat on my lap!!! We sang songs, the teacher told a story, then we had cup cakes and milk. A little girl hugged me; I looked at the teacher not knowing what to do. When the teacher smiled I felt it was alright to hug her back.

I felt really special, it felt like I was in heaven with a bunch of angels . Every touch, hug and smile made me forget the world outside. I decided to write about this day and how I felt without delay, because every time I am sad it lingers in my mind (forever), and I don't cherish these moments of joy .

Relationships

Thank you to all my wonderful friends and my cousins for sending in their views on the topic.This post is dedicated to all of you and my two brothers. I was trying to find out if sibilings made one's life better.

I do love my siblings and of course I have great childhood memories. But a few years into marriage,my parents/ siblings were no longer my #1 priority.I felt guilty about it and I remember my mother saying "thatz life ". It is a strange aspect of life and how we automatically fit into its mold.

It led me to wonder why people have kids? The prominent response to that question was that they want someone to be there in their old age. When you have invested so much of your time/money on kids, its just fair to get something in return. When you have many kids , one of them might stick around and of course the idea of an inheritance would lure them in!!! In another 40yrs, I'd like to picture myself on a beach rather than being hauled around on a wheel chair. Right now my focus is on enjoying every minute with my son .


A woman puts her life on hold (at least for a brief period of time) to raise a kid. Not to mention the physical toll it takes on her, those nine months and the postpartum depression (some of us don't even realise that we experienced it). Sleepless nights, stinky diapers, potty training days, cleaning up every time they puke (all that fun stuff!!!), its taken so naturally (as an act of love) by women since thatz how nature (or should I say society) has programmed us. Many mothers quit their jobs, to take care of kids until they are not needed 24/7 . Are we expecting something in return???

All my friends related to this topic from their personal experiences. My friend who is a single child thinks her life would have been better if she had siblings. Others who have siblings, generously shared the stories about how they bonded & kept secrets. Even though there are issues, we tend to over look them. I have heard that being a single child makes one selfish and unsocial (which I disagree, it is just who you are). And if so, there must be an alternative to fix that, than birthing another kid .It reminds me of how oldies thought, to straighten up an addict or someone who is mentally ill, all you gotta do is get them married!!


For a woman, marriage is a transition where you leave behind everything you once thought was yours to accept new. It is not an easy task but it helps when you have friends who are in the same boat. I am sure my brothers have buddies who know them better than me. Unless we open up to the idea of building new relationships and treasuring them, are we passing on something new to the next generation??

Some funny but interesting thoughts, reason to have a daughter is so that she will sit near you and cry when you are dead (think about a typical Mallu funeral!!). And the reason you gotta have a son is, to carry on the family name. ( Reminds me of this dialogue from a Malayalam movie " Pinney, anniyam ninnu pokan neeyentha Simhavaalan kurengho"!!! )


When a child is born, parents have to focus on the newborn. Putting aside dreams and may never find the time to get to it. A big family gathering, is a pleasant sight, everyone looks happy and in love with each other, but with time the jealousy and hypocrisy behind those big smiles are obvious. With friends the relationship is much more simpler. Is it because we get to choose our friends?? When I say friends, I mean people who care enough to correct you when you are wrong and stand with you despite all odds!!

Kids are wonderful, have a bunch of them if your health & wallet permits. Don't forget to live your dreams. Because yours kids don't owe you for what you have done. It was your choice, let them make theirs.



Since life doesn't come with instructions to do it right (one, multiple or no kids), we have to wait for it to unfold. There are no guarantees that you will be pleased with the results..Learn from the eagle who nurtures and then pushes the young ones out of the nest forcing them to learn to fly. It may sound cruel, but it will get them ready for life.

Dreaming with my eyes open

"To become a happy person have a clean soul,eyes that see romance in the common place,a child's heart & spiritual simplicity."--------Peale

"I wished for a window, so the sun would shine through in the morning. Surely, I would get under the covers to escape the taunting rays. But then, I would get up and walk to my window to see the mist leaving and the clouds slowly move in.The branches moved as the birds danced around & the flowers awaited the morning rain. I ran to open the front door, the cool breeze hurried in stroking my hair. I stood by the steps waiting for the first raindrop. And then it rained. I don’t know why but I walked into it. There I stood with my arms wide open and my eyes shut tight. As I opened my eyes, I saw the rain purify everything it touched, the earth was quenched, so was my soul."

Amen

I happened to see an interview on television with sister Jesme and it was pretty upsetting how Kerala reacted to her autobiography”Amen”. I was particularly interested in it coz I spent quite a few years of my school and college life amidst the nuns. I have always wondered about their life & actions.

I remember taking a peek into the nuns dining room through the half closed door (which we were not allowed to do, I was a curious kid!!!) and saying to myself how unfair it is that we are given bad food and they get such a feast.It used to bother me that they had no compassion even towards the little ones. Of course, there were a few who were different.

Parents who leave their children in boarding schools, do you care if your kid is safe, sick or well fed??Do you know if they are being molested?? I was amazed by the uproar sister Jesme’s book had brought about. Would it have been easier on us if it was a man (priest) who spoke out? Or are we still comfortable believing that as long as we don’t address the matter, it will go away?

I understand that nuns and priests are just humans who have taken a special vow of celibacy, which according to me is very hard to follow. I wonder if God would want them to be celibate. Why can’t they have a normal married life and still serve God. Didn’t God actually make man and woman to live together?? Why is it so difficult to understand that lust, homosexuality, greed, jealousy,sexual assault and all that happens around us will creep into the church as well?

My Ammachi (grandma) had actually dedicated my dad to be a priest (this is really funny, if you happen to know him), a desperate plea to God not being able to see her baby in anguish.Little did she know he was to be a youngster who spent all his energy in college politics and getting into trouble rather than in the class room. My dad says it is all good now since he had in turn dedicated my brother for that cause. And the tradition continues!!!

We have been taught to look up to our religious leaders,we put them up on pedestals from where they fall and take our faith in church along with them. The Bishop at my brother’s wedding yelled at the event photographer in front of the whole gathering just before the ceremony. He could have been in a bad mood, sick or something might have upset him (I do not know the reason).With no regard to the bride, the groom, their special day or the family he spoke very harshly to the poor chap who was just doing his job.

I believe a man/woman should be revered not by the position bestowed but should earn it through actions. It gets tough, coz we all have two faces, one for the world to see and the real one, usually only our families have seen.

Good people do not go to heaven

Stop frowning!! I came out of church so confused this Sunday, coz I am one of those who believe not in religion but the goodness of one's heart. To me Karma plays a role, do good and you will be blessed, if you do bad you suffer the consequences, this motivates me to do good things.We often hear people say,I know I am not perfect but I have not killed anyone. What is God’s standard for good? What is His grading system? Is it living by the 10 commandments or by the Holy Bible? If hating your brother is equivalent to murder and lust to adultery, how many can really make the cut?

Right and wrong does not have a universal scale, as time goes by many wrongs have changed to right. Racism, ethnic cleansing, multiple marriages, wars all have different meanings and views around the world. Just because you are passionate about something it doesn’t have to be right. Life is kind of an exam without a clear cut explanation of even what it is about. How can you expect to pass? Jesus never called the righteous; he went seeking the sinners. He went beyond fairness to offer forgiveness, coz we all fall short of His standard.

The pastor ended it with, no amount of good works can get me into heaven, only His forgiveness can. Then what will happen to others who do not know Him?? As I spend more time thinking about it I felt good about hearing something that is not a “safe topic “which is what I have been used to. It did put a lot of things in perspective, but I believe if there has to be an impact let it be through my life and not through words.

Picnic in June

When I read through other blogs, many stay true to their passion and explore it‘s horizons. In my case I don’t think I have such an intense topic to go on and on about. Maybe I get distracted by anything that comes my way or is it that I just cannot focus on one thing???? Wish I could peek into someone else’s mind, just to see how different it works.

We had a fun picnic after a hundred e-mails send to and fro about the venue, menu and everything under the sun for a perfect day. With our busy lives, conflicting schedules and small kids it has become a bit tough to hang out with friends .It was a beautiful day with blue skies perfect for a walk around the trail, some tasty barbecue under the shade of big trees, watched a game of badminton and beach volley ball (did not play coz I am not very athletic and did not want to embarrass myself).

Jacob and his friends had the most fun, making sand castles,playing in the water ,on the slide and swings .I tried to relax but it would have been easier if I was not constantly looking out for Jacob. I began to wonder if I would have had a better time if I didn’t have to worry about him. That night, when he rolled over in his sleep, (pushed me to the very edge of the bed, I have mastered the art of not falling off) and put his little arms around my neck I knew I would choose these moments of joy over anything else,anytime.

If we were given a chance to be someone else or have someone else’s life, we would surely choose to be us and want our lives just the way it is.

Shawarma at Alyan’s

I have been searching for a Middle Eastern restaurant for quite some time .There are days I crave for some flat bread, dates and other Arabic dishes. Born in Kuwait I secretly call it my home, never felt the same back in India or out here in the US. The sandy Arabian desert, rows of palm trees, the large wooden ships, Sawt (the prominent type of music) the Bedouins and their heard of camels and sheep, I miss it all!!!! Even though I spent a lot of years in Kuwait (fortress built near water), it is a shame I hardly understand a word of Arabic. It was a miracle I even made it through my Arabic exams!! If not for the invasion by Iraq, I could have completed my schooling there and not have gone through certain sudden changes in my future.


Here in the US you practically get food from all over the world, but they lack authenticity as it is modified to suit the American taste buds. I love eating out; it does not have to be an upscale restaurant. I would rather go to a small place not having to butt elbows with the crowd. And since Taffy had never eaten anything from that part of the world, I wanted the first impression to be the best!! I always tell him how wonderful and great Kuwait is, so the food had to support my claims.


We got there and it was a small dhabba kind of setting, the smell of hookah and some traditional art work added to the décor. I ordered from the menu since the names looked familiar all the while hoping this would not be a disaster. I couldn’t be happier when I had a bite of my shawarma and it tasted just the way it should !!!!! I looked at Taffy and he gestured it was good since his mouth was too full. Relieved I got back to my plate and occasionally glanced at Jacob who didn’t want to try anything but French fries!!!

Loving life and not pretending to

Every day, each prayer has bestowed something new on me. It would either be a realization that my assumptions were wrong or having to change a habit or a belief. Life has been a tough school and experiences hard lessons. Kept going thinking that I have to get what I wanted, that was my goal. But nothing seemed to work. Gave it everything to achieve what I thought was my dream. It took years before I realized that I should consider an alternative.It was upsetting to see my life going downhill, nothing like I pictured it to be. There is no other explanation other than this is what my life was planned to be.

He had designed my life in a way that at each stage (when I wasn’t paying attention), He was molding me for my future. I did not see it as long as I was living my life, my way. I had to shut my eyes to stop looking at the world and ask Him. I fought my discontentment for years, finally he showed me the person whom He had created with a Divine Discontent. To see through His eyes and serve .While I focused on having a normal and simple life, he had bigger plans. It is a slow process of evolving into the person whom God wants you to be. It is not difficult to understand His ways but hard to do. Being a mom taught me how to be selfless, to put another person before me. The lessons from life, not from a book or a tale once told. There are days I feel good and days that I fail .The inner voice that I hear is the God within me, reassuring me not to give up.

Opening up to happiness

It is not easy being happy all the time .But it is worth trying to be happy. If you just break it down and look at your life day by day you will see what I mean. Are you happy today? Of course you are, you had a good night sleep, woke up healthy and have a normal day. It is only when you look at the past/future,or at someone else in your life,that is what makes you anxious. Clearly we are not going to be around forever yet we make plans, forgetting to live today. Everyone has a problem without a solution, now that we tried for so long and nothing seemed to work, we stayed up late thinking about it, fought it, analyzed it, discussed it, let us take a break..

Christine Collins

Loving the “Red box” so now renting a movie has become part of grocery shopping. Saw the movie “Changeling”, after browsing through the synopsis rented it anyways coz it was directed by Clint Eastwood. Was happy with my choice, coz it turned out to be a good one. But I still didn’t know what the title meant. “Googled” it and was amused by the details. I can’t be thankful enough for all the online resources coz I can’t read anything that looks like a book anymore.


Changeling is an off spring of a fairy (troll or other legendary creature) that was secretly left in place of a human child, why it is done has many interpretations as to pure malice, love for a human child’s beauty especially blond hair, to be a servant and so on. Simple charms like an inverted coat or open iron scissor was left near the sleeping child to ward them off.

I found it very true that the legend of the changeling must have developed to explain the peculiarities of kids who didn’t develop normally due to abnormalities and developmental delays, still born or died in early infancy. The greater proneness of boys to birth defect correlates to the belief that boy babies were more likely to be taken. So were children who were not baptized and made part of the church. There have been records of kids and women being murdered and then using the changeling story for defense!!

Now about the movie,

"Everyone around her had an agenda — a political agenda, a personal agenda," J.Michael Straczynski (the writer) says. "The only clear voice in the entire story was hers."

It was difficult not to feel for Christine Collins and also admire her.

A single mom whose 9yr old son, Walter went missing. Letters and photographs were exchanged before Christine Collins paid for the boy, who claimed to be her son, to be brought back home. At the reunion, Christine Collins claimed that the boy was not Walter. She was told by the officer in charge of the case, to take the boy home to "try him out for a couple of weeks," for he had been gone for months and Collins agreed.
Three weeks later, Christine Collins returned to see Captain Jones and persisted in her claim that the boy was not Walter. Even though she was armed with dental records proving her case,Collins was committed to the psychiatric ward under a "Code 12" internment—a term used to jail someone who was deemed difficult or an inconvenience. As Walter Collins' body had not been found, she continued to search for him for the rest of her life, but she died without ever knowing her son's fate.


12-year-old Arthur Hutchins Jr., a runaway, his biological mother died when he was 9 years old and he had been living with his stepmother. He said that he had pretended to be Walter Collins to get as far away as possible from her. After living on the road for a month, police brought him in; they began to ask him questions about Walter Collins. Originally, Hutchins stated that he did not know about Walter, but changed his story when he saw the possibility of getting to California, Hollywood so he could meet his favorite actor, Tom Mix

After Christine Collins was released from Los Angeles County Hospital, she sued the police department and won the second of two lawsuits. Although Captain Jones was ordered to pay Collins $10,800, he never did. A city council welfare hearing recommended that Jones and Chief of Police leave their posts, but both were eventually reinstated. The California State Legislature later made it illegal for the police to commit someone to a psychiatric facility without a warrant.

If you want to get the whole story just read about the Wineville Chicken Coop Murders.

Mom, my best friend

I was really relieved to read a recent article in the magazine “Vanitha” (April 15-30, 2009). There have been so many instances I felt it was just an advertiser of the latest and the greatest saris and gold jewelry. It was disappointing that a magazine so popular, was not quite doing its part.

Finally, it looks like Malayalees are ready to look at a different style of parenting .It is not the” Hitler regime pattern" anymore,where the mom made dad look like the bad cop!!! Things have changed and it must be because of all the problems our young generation has been getting into, that have raised a red flag. It must be tough for those who believe “it is my way or the high way “, but they are cornered with no other option, but to try something new.

Parenting goes beyond providing the basic necessities of life as I have emphasized in my previous posts. Do we fear that we will lose our culture and its essence if we adapt a little?

The previous generation had it rough for sure; they went through a financial crunch, so when they became parents they were busy making money so we would have a better life. That left kids with unfulfilled emotional needs.

I believe if kids are given proper guidance, acceptance and attention there is a lesser chance that they will look for it elsewhere. If parents were less critical and more supportive it would be easier for the kids to trust them with their problems.

The first step would be to treat your son and daughter equal. And teach your sons to respect and treat women right. Parenting is an art you master each day, it is something that has to be done with compassion and not comparison!!!! The education a kid gets in school only leads to a job but what they learn at home is how they live their life.

Teenage is a very tricky time in one’s life, it is just normal to want to do crazy things; the best thing is to let them in on the consequences. Every daughter should know her mother’s story; her accomplishments, failures, dreams, and regrets.
It is inevitable not to have a crush or feel attracted to someone with all those hormones going haywire. All you need is to tell your kid that it is perfectly normal and how to focus on life. Help them set goals, research and discuss their ambitions. It may not always work out the way planned, get them ready for disappointments too.

Girls should be told over and over again that they do not need to starve themselves and dress like the celebrities on television, but be themselves. They are unique and full of potential whatever the world may say. Our girls should be taught to be bold and confident, to say NO when it is needed and to deal with the hypocritical society.

Mazha Konduvanna Orma

It’s a cloudy day; we woke up late, the perks of being unemployed period!!! Jacob drank his “Horlicks paal”(milk) and I sat down with a cup of tea. He began playing his computer game and I was going through the mail. I saw through the window, it was getting dark and soon it started raining. Jacob went to the window to watch the rain and ran back screaming when he heard the thunder. This is the guy who tells me, don’t be scared mommy, Jacob is here!!I always found the rain to be very soothing; it reminds me of some good old days.


The big mango tree at my grand parents house, would be full of fruit and the only way we could get it was, if it would rain. As kids we would wait on the verandah to run out into the rain and gather them. A few years later I used to sit on the verandah with a cup of “kattan kaapi"(black coffee) and watch the rain. It would rain as if there was no tomorrow, with leaves flying everywhere in the wind, the loud thunder and the scary lightening. But once the rain was over, the sky would clear up and it would be so bright as if some door opened in heaven. I find it similar to how we get so overwhelmed with some things and finally get through it. I still drink “kattan kaapi”, not that I like it so much, just to feel like those days.

There were so many silly fights with Appachen for not letting me watch, “Chitrahaar" (hindi film songs) on Doordarshan and having to climb up the terrace every time it was about to rain to gather the rubber sheets lay out to dry. I would walk around the rubber trees pretending to be a heroine in a song sequence in a Malayalam movie. I remember when the barber cut my hair too short I looked at the mirror and started wailing that I look ugly now. And Appachen had to send me shopping just to calm me down!!! Went to” Ittiyapara" (nearby hot spot!!)and came back with a bag full of bangles, earrings and all sorts of junk!!!!


When I was about 3 or 4yrs old, I went for a prarthana (prayer meeting) and when asked about the snacks, the only reason I went there, I said there was bun, boon, kaapee. They say that I was very talkative, which I don’t get; I used to amuse people with my chit chats!! I remember having to go to "palli"(church) every Sunday coz Ammachi would force us to and having to sit through torture for 2 and a half hours!!!

We grew up calling our Uppapans (pappa’s younger brothers) Valya uppi and Kochu uppi, didn’t quite realize it sounded funny until Jacob added his very own twist to it and made it You-ppi. Now I know how Neenma’s mom(pappa's elder sis) must have felt when we called her Ammachi , coz now Reji makes Richu and Sachu(his kids) call me Ammachi with a vengeance. No wonder Asha's mom came up with her own version, Ammamachi!! Anjuma and Leenma were the coolest Kochamas; fun,unique and special in their own ways.

Christmas was fun, loved all the” Padakom Poothiri”(fire crackers). The carolers who would come by late at night and we would stand there rubbing our eyes looking at the skinny Santa Claus, wondering why him!! Yet another good time was when all our cousins would come over for Onam; we would gather flowers and make a beautiful “Athapookalam”. I remember flying high on the “unjaal”(swing) and the feast on the ”ela”( banana leaf) following that.


Ammachi didn’t have to go anywhere to find out what was happening around her, it was funny how all the news got to her verandah. We teased Appachen that our neighbor, Janaki amma was his lover coz he called her Janakam!! And how can I forget good old Pappy Appachen who would come by every Sunday and we would do everything we could to drive him away but he would leave only after lunch!!!


Rebu and I, always teamed up against Reji, we would hit him and run away screaming when he tried to hit back, he always got yelled at!!! Didn’t feel it was mean coz no matter what he always got himself in trouble.It was so hard to convince Appachen to send us to the nearby “Chethomkara thoodu" (nearest swimming pool!!)with Suma ammama and Subi ammama. Saji chan always got a kick out of wrestling Rebu and Reji; there were times he got hurt bad, I wondered when he would stop. Since Rebu was the baby, he would take an afternoon nap on Appachen’s tummy. How can I forget” Podiyan and Kushan”, I don’t know if they were our play mates or Appachen’s assistants but they were always around.

We would secretly want Appachen to pray coz it was short and pretty much the same every time. If Ammachi were to start, I always fell asleep and there have been instances of being caught if not woken up by the loud “Swargatanaya Pithavey”(Lord’s prayer).For some unknown reason Appachen had to wake us all up early in the morning , he would sit and sing aloud, I might have forgotten a lot of songs but still remember” Athiraviley thiru sannidhiyil anayunoru samaye”(Christian hymn). I hated having to make the chicken get into their box house at night, but I loved to grab the little ones from under the kotta (basket).


Those two little boys who have been a part of my life, my brothers, they are all grown up. We are all busy with our individual lives, work, kids…..At times it is scary that we might lose that special love we siblings shared due to all the changes. But I am glad I have these memories that bring back all the love I have for them.And I wish Appachen and Ammachi knew how much we love them.

Catching up with time

Yesterday’s dream may not feel the same today, for nothing holds your fancy forever. Just like a doll you wanted as a child, doesn’t give you the same joy today even if you got one, you only wish you had one as a little girl, ambitions grow with you. Time waits for none, we all know, but we often hold on to the past. We need to evaluate if a dream is worth pursuing or should we move on. Every new day brings you a new role, it is like the horoscope of the day, if you are still counting the loss of the past, you will never catch up to it..

Everything happens for a reason, a reason unknown. Wonder if this was all scripted and you and I are mere actors assigned to play the part.. Or are we creating our future with every step we take??? At times it feels good to be in control of your life, but when filled with uncertainty you wish you had a sign telling you to turn left or right.

Getting out of the comfort zone is a struggle, weighing out all the pros and cons. The fear of failure and not knowing our strengths, being reared in a culture that teaches you of humility and modesty, how much more will we tread on paths already traveled, by the fear of getting lost? We don’t even dare take a shot at opportunities in life for the fear of being ridiculed, if we fail.

Taught to think about the consequences of our actions, we are limited to stay within those invisible boundaries. Instilled with fear and guilt as if everything is untouchable, we have been trained to walk on straight lines. It is difficult to cut loose and take those reins into your own hands coz it is easy to blame it on someone else if things go wrong. Ultimately, what makes your name worth remembering once you are gone??

The man of my dreams

Women have been accused of trying to change their men, coz guys don’t quite fit the picture we have in our minds:) I really don’t know what the success rate is on this project!!! Days go by so fast and yet in my mind, it is so clear, the day we met!! We were strangers; I was nervous and didn’t know what to do.... But he looked at me, as if we had known each other for ages. It is true that the wait was a very long one, thinking of how my life would be and making plans....

As we began life together, he showed me that you get up and walk every time you fall. Not to get caught up in the rat race and take it one day at a time. Life did not have to be perfect, there was always room for learning and how a smile could change everything!!! I would be in the kitchen and would hear him call, even though I pretended to be annoyed, I enjoyed being wanted so much :) But at times, picking up after him I wondered, how will this guy survive without me??!!

Once in a while, he would casually mention that he likes my dress or my shoes; I smile and try to figure out what he is up to now!! On a hot day or I might be busy doing something around the house, he will come pull my hair down and say "you know this is how I like it !!" He knows he can get away with anything and all it takes is “I LOVE YOU”, sometimes he would be extra generous and throw in a few hugs and kisses.. If we fight and I walk away, he would run after me trying to make me smile!! At night I thank God for yet another beautiful day, filled with love and fall asleep, wanting to wake up to love him again :)

I cherish every moment, whatever it may be, doing chores, singing out loud, dancing, being silly or snuggling up watching our favorite tv shows!! It will be a ride worthwhile, filled with priceless memories, with my son, Jacob... the man of my dreams!!

Why don't we see the truth??

Why do we prefer to ignore or walk away? I wrote this a week ago but something was holding me back from posting it. As much as I want to sound all positive and look at the bright side, I can’t get these questions out of my head. When a child is molested, it is not the kid’s fault but the consequence of being in a hypocritical society, in which people can get away with such acts. I would call the parents irresponsible, not because the kid was put in that situation (we don’t live in a bubble!!) but for not teaching him/her how to handle it. And the first instinct is to cover it up, why is it so? This could happen to anyone, it is not their fault, like we try to put it. But still why is the victim being blamed??

The predators think their actions are justified as long as they can come up with an explanation. When a girl is raped, the assaulter claims that it was her outfit that made him do it or it was her being alone at night. Can anyone ever think for a minute that this makes sense? The other day I saw an interview, a nun who spoke up about her experiences and why she decided to leave the convent. It is everywhere, children are just easy targets as they are made to believe that their family will be killed or hurt if they told anyone.

The day a girl blooms into a woman (when she gets her period) is supposed to be a joyous one. Not the one where she gets a list of things she cannot do anymore. Why are things being misinterpreted, like a saying in Malayalam “Ela vannu mullil veenalum, mullu vannu elayil veenalum ,elakku anu kedu” why is the woman referred to as the leaf? Is there any teaching in Malayalam that tells a woman the right way to deal with it,why is she being cautioned? And if she is the” ela”, why is she not treated with utmost sensitivity? We expect that women can relate to such situations better, being one, but there are some who prove otherwise. When your friend came to you not knowing what to do, did you stand by her? Which one are you, the lucky ones who escaped all this or the ones just trying to block out the bad memories by pretending it never happened or the ones who saw it happen but did nothing??

We tend to avoid such topics coz they are not so pleasant, not talking about it doesn’t mean it is not happening around you. If you gave it a little thought you would know how to help someone. Misconceptions and ignorance are factors that play a key role, don’t live in a well and take a look at the ocean around you.

What we want v/s what we need.

Our wants are often influenced by what we see and hear. When we want something, we are just trying to fit in. We have to look deeper to find out what we really need. Aren’t we loosing ourselves trying to be like others? Do we realize that all of us are not cut out to run the same race?

Money can buy a lot of things, but love. I remember a man, whose wife had cancer once told me that the other evening he laid behind his sick wife on the couch, holding her .Thinking when she is gone no amount of money can give him the same comfort. Health we take for granted. Parents who confuse providing the basic necessities (a roof over their head, education, food, expensive toys and clothes) as caring for their kids, its time you understood the word "care".Know that you get in return what you gave.People try to gain respect by living in huge houses, driving expensive cars and wearing designer clothes .Is this life about being accepted and revered by the people around you?

I want to listen to the morning prayers float into my bedroom from the nearby temple, the chanting and the sound of the bells to wake me up. And as I open the window I want to feel the cool air gush in stroking my hair. I want to see the mist slowly clearing the mountains. This is my picture of peace.

Was it the glamor of the costume or the attention of the crowd that thrilled me as a dancer? Or the rush of adrenaline while performing on stage and the feeling of liberation!!Even before I realized it ,I lost it.Now filled with only regret ,of letting go of my dream .

No two lives are the same, so there is no protocol that we can follow to achieve our goals or avoid making mistakes. There are no better actors than the ones we meet in real life. We try to portray happiness whatever the real story might be. People who struggle to make a living staying abroad, sacrificing all pleasures of life, saving every penny, go back home and redeem themselves by living large for 1 or 2 months, thus earning the jealousy of the neighbor. There is no universal scale to rate success, set your own standards.

At the end, it is not your job, wealth or family heritage that defines you. It might give you praise and a front row seat. But have you found yourself??Do you know your limitations; have you accepted your weakness? Sorrow is a much stronger emotion than joy!! Our sorrows bring out the best in us.

Have compassion towards others who are struggling, it is easy to sit on a mighty horse and judge them. But do not be so full of yourself and think you did it all.Count your blessings,consider others less fortunate. Have wisdom to see clearly, not to be overridden by emotions,be practical.

Mitr

We don’t get to choose the role we want to play in life, it is more like being put on stage with the spot light on you and you try to do your best!!One thing we get to choose is our friends!! I am so lucky to have met these women in my life who amaze me so often. We are different but the fact that we accept our differences might be the key to this harmony!! This is a bond that grew over the years of not even being in touch, most of the time!! But yet so strong. There have been times when we don’t agree with each other, but we know that we all see life differently.

Was it easier to make friends when we were younger or is it that we don’t try to make friends anymore? Even though we are all so far away from each other , every time you pick up the phone it takes you back to those days. And it is funny that they have not changed, they still are those silly girls with whom you hung out years ago!! Recently I heard a priest say at an engagement that , marriage is the union of two forgiving individuals, I feel it is the core of any relationship. You are not real friends ,until you have fought ,argued or hated the other persons guts and then made up..Once you were a little girl, now you may be a wife and a mother, in this course of events , a lot changes in your life but you hang on to your friends. My friends have shared my joys and sorrows alike, and have kicked me in my butt when I needed it !!


Can’t help but remember those good old days we spent worrying about exams, jumping over the college gate with “Chaddi Peter" chasing us , hurrying to the theater to watch movies, feasting on Chinese food and ice-creams when it would be pouring outside,sometimes our clothes drenched in the rain .

Happy were those days when 8 to 9 of us shared the same room. Those crowded bus rides to college and of course long lines for the unforgettable hostel food.We found happiness in small things and had big dreams. Keep doing the same....

When a child is born a parent is born too.

Some parents forget to grow up with their child …I saw a good Tamil movie “Abhiyum Nannum”. It is a father- daughter story , of course there is a mother too, a practical and strong woman. Some parents forget that they just have to teach their kids how to fly and then let them go. Do people have kids as a security blanket for their old age??And how do you decide on how many kids??Often parents forget to live their lives, shadowing their kids, making them do what you wished you had done (your kid's life is not your second shot at getting it right!!).Do you even know your child or what he/she wants?? Is it that we conveniently assume that they don’t have a mind of their own?
There is a big role that a mother has to play in a boy’s life and a father is a little girl’s hero.. I have seen mothers who sacrifice or forget to live their lives and take up a mission of hovering over their boys, treating them like royalty, just so that they feel wanted. In turn these boys grow up with the notion that they always need a woman to take care of them , when they should have been taught to be self sufficient and responsible. Girls need attention from their fathers , don’t deprive them of that .It is the first man she is around in her life, who should help build confidence and give her the strength to live her life to the fullest. Kids who grow up in boarding schools coz their parents could not accommodate them due to whatever reason, they grow up too, but is that the way nature intended for them to be raised? It is good to have dreams for your kids, but it shouldn’t be at the cost of losing them.
To parents who take pride in their traditional parenting techniques being better than any other,there is a lot to learn from around the world. We have to meet somewhere in the middle. Get to know your kid, equip them with values, teach them about real life, show them their options. Parenting is fun , but you do it when it’s the right age and stop doing it when it is not needed.

Have you told your child that you love him/her today??

Preach the gospel at all times. If necessary, use words.”--Saint Francis of Assisi

Faith and good deeds go hand in hand, of what use is one without the other. Honor each other-give value and dignity. Accept each other, however different they are-it is not the same as just tolerating them. Live in harmony and peace-let us stop condemning others. Be patient-make allowances for each other’s fault. Be generous and have mercy. Be humble –think of others as better than yourselves. It feels really good to have a higher power watch over us at this time of uncertainty . Material possessions and money are not evil just uncertain. We live in a world that rates us based on our wealth, so often we envy and compare what we have to what others have. Many of us make the mistake of living beyond our means .But are we experiencing contentment ?Focus on what will bring you peace ,hope and gratitude.

TWO LIVES

Why do we need a second chance to live? Will it be any better than just one life? And how should we move into the next life?

I am trying to find myself and trying to understand life now. If I don’t get another chance how will I be able to live it the way I want? Or is it enough you understand what you should have done with your life? Realize it and then what? Doesn’t everyone wish they had another chance to prove to themselves that they could be better and their life is worth so much more. A memory to be proud of, where I make the decisions, the right ones.